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Turning 24

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strong independent woman

Remember that fateful night, when we collided? I was looking to get back at an on-again, off-again flame. You caught my eye in your sexy lifeguarding uniform. We struck a conversation and it all seemed effortless. Like the universe was conspiring for us to meet.

That night I remember looking at you in the car, and I told you you looked like Jessie McCartney with your big smile and your blue eyes. When we hugged that night, I felt electricity surge through me. I was so taken by you. I wanted to know everything about you. I wanted to spend every possible minute with you, but you also not a single one. You terrified me. You made me feel like I couldn’t control myself around you. You put me under a spell, and as much as I wanted to run, you made me stay.

With our persistent texting, I found that you and I are cut from the same cloth. Rebels at heart wanting to carve our own paths. With an incessant need to be the top of the top, the best of the best, and live beyond to our family obligations.

Our love affair was a mix of teenage lust, carefree living, and feeding off of feelings. But largely, it was a test of wills. You and I pulling each other for control, but eventually we pulled too hard, and the spell broke.

I was skittish and you were noncommittal. You were unsure and I was so sure. I knew you were it, and I was hoping you’d catch on.

One night, my friends caught you out with your ex, even when you were sending me sweet texts. I wasn’t your only interest. You had so many girls under your spell.

and it broke me. the walls I was lowering for your went up higher than before. So I dated your friends. I ignored your texts until you became desperate.

This back and forth tug of war continue into college. and you were always at the back of my head. One day I knew our stars would align again.

so we met 3 years ago at a cafe. At that time it was 7 years after our first kiss, my first kiss. 7 years after my life was forever changed, when I met love and saw how much it could hurt.

You sitting across from me, it seemed like everything changed and nothing.

You told me about your job, how so much had gone your way, how successful you had become. You were always the golden boy.

I told you about me. How lost and confused I had been, how I lost my health along the way. how I was just getting me back. It seemed that I had fallen from grace.

And just when an invitation for more was looming in the air, you pulled back. You told me that I was a strong independent woman. You told me I didn’t need a man.

But you weren’t telling me the full truth, just like before. I wanted you. I needed you. But you didn’t want someone independent. You didn’t want someone strong, someone who had battled in life. You didn’t want someone who knew your games, and who could outplayed you in some. You wanted someone to bend to your will.

And I wasn’t that girl. You were never going to choose me, to fight for me. Because I was too strong for you, and it made you scared. You wanted someone that centered their life around you. who gave you all of them. And I wanted to give you all of me.

I am a strong independent woman, but I also need love. You found yours and I hope I find mine soon. As magical as ours, but long lasting and fully true. A summer fling that burns into the winter.

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