I feel stuck. Stuck in my misery, stuck in my sickness. These past few years have been one set back after another, which eventually ended up with me living back at my parent’s house, unable to work, unable to do much physically and mentally. All these ambitions and dreams inside of me withered, I feel like a ghost floating around. Though worst. I’m in the land of the living but I’m not living. I’m in this body that used to do so much, yet now is capable of so little. Small endeavors leave my head in pain and my body aching for sleep. Things that used to bring me comfort no longer do.
Writing, words, and phrases that used to bring me so much joy and happiness escapes me. Nothing seems to click or work. I keep losing. And wasting my time watching tv. I don’t want to spend time in this world. I want to spend time outside of it. Outside of myself and my dreams that are hallow, my brain that is malfunctioning, and my body that can’t cope with the trauma. I want to stop disappointing my little sister, and I want to stop punishing my friends and family for not being there the way I exactly need it. I want to escape the suffering. I want to feel alive again, I want to feel like my old self, I want my brain to recover and heal.
I wish I could go back to that fatal day and take it all back. Change my actions and take a different course. I want to un-know all the pain and torment. I want to go back to the days where I was thriving and my future was bright and beautiful.