You never loved me, you never cared about the things that made me cry, the things that brought a smile to my face.. you never asked about my dreams or knew my greatest fears. You never knew about the things that haunted me. Or the things that still leave scars on my heart.
I never loved you. But I cared about you. You made my heart happy. You were the only thing I looked forward to most mornings. I hate the way you made me weak…you left an ache in my stomach like eating too much delicious candy on Easter. The way I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face when I talked to you, or when you complimented my hair, or just looked at me in the elevator. Our silent moments where we looked at each other with wonder and contentment.
I don’t think you let me love you. You always kept a distance. Never truly revealing yourself to me. And part of that mystery kept me coming back to you, even when I knew you it was wrong. You were wrong for me.
But I so deeply wanted to forget that. Forget rules and the advice of dear friends. Because you lite up a part of me that I long ago decided to forget. To lock up. Because so often in my life, love has been used as a weapon for pain, fear, and weakness.
You made that seem crazy. That love was good. It felt good. Until it didn’t. Until I saw all of you~ how you used me. How you toyed with my feelings. How I was your 2nd choice. Like you went to an ice cream shop, and they were out of your favorite favors, and I was all that was left.
I was that for you. A filler. Someone that made you feel better about your terrible job, your CPA exam failings, and…not being that girl’s choice.
I never loved you, but you never knew me. The true me. The beautiful me. The strong me. And the weak me. The me that can cry a whole day about nothing. And everything.
And that’s your loss. Because you were a season. A fling. The wrong boy at the wrong time.
And I am forever. And I will find my forever.