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Turning 24

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The sun and the moon

We are ying and yang. Opposite sides of a coin. Our strongest traits are each other’s weaknesses. The perfect complimentary pair. You are logical, level-headed, and strong~ nothing can break you down. I am emotional, hot-headed, and fragile~ too soft. I break often. I cry at least once a week. I feel too much.

You rescue. You are programmed to fix. You create order out of chaos. You rise out of injustice.

Sometimes I wonder how we are born to the same parents; how we share the same genes when we are so completely different. Our true identity mixed in with survival instinct: how we’ve reacted to our realities. You went extremely left and I went extremely right.

If I had to guess, I think a part of you closed yourself off from relying on anyone other than yourself. Our realities were filled with disappointing male figures, but strong women. I admire your strength. You are the most self-sufficient person I know. You don’t expect anything from this harsh world and are hardly disappointed.

We love oppositely. You need someone to show their love by helping in any way they can. I need gifts and physical touch.

I know I’ve been pushing you away. I avoid your calls. And when we do speak, I’m distant. I’m sorry. I don’t know how to be honest with you anymore. I don’t want you to tell me know to fix my life, how to keep trying. Right now, I need to live and breath and create fun memories.

I’m sorry to write this because I know it’ll hurt you when you read it {it pains me to write it} but I’ve never felt understood by you. Like when I quit KPMG, all I wanted to hear from you was that you’re proud of me for leaving a toxic environment. For being brave and making a tough decision. But you never understood why I couldn’t tough it out. I don’t believe you ever respected my decision. Or at least you never said anything, and it led me to believe that I disappointed you.

I always wanted a deeper relationship with you than you could offer, and after all these years I simply quit trying.

I wish I could make you proud of the woman I’ve become, of the person I fought my way back to. That this world hasn’t made me hard, it’s made me more kind, more understanding, more me.

I’m sorry I put so much weight on you. I know it’s not fair, but in a weird way you’ve taken dad’s place in my life, and I feel like I’m constantly fighting for your approval. But like with dad, I’m just a disappointment.

You are the moon and I’m the sun. I want to stop explaining who I am to you. And I’m sorry I can’t help you through your tough situation. Life has been unfair to both of us. At times we’ve made an unstoppable pair. I’m grateful for you. I think the world of you, but right now I can’t be what you need me to be. I’m exhausted from that. Right now, I need to be what I need.

I need to let go of the need for you to understand me.

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